A____Y

We never tried to have fun, it always just happened

I always knew you were the one, but you were just laughin’

I was the moon and you, the sun, but it all came crashin’

Pleaded to make it work… I failed. Guessin’ you were just nappin’

So now I’m here, years and many tears later…. you try to come back like fashion

I still foolishly sprint to you, because I keep on imaginin’

though I knew through and through, we could never go back

                               And

                               U

                               Didn’t

                               Recognize

the                         Eager

                               Yearning

I gave for you…

We tried again, nothing much changed.

We fell apart, and

    so

               did

I.

An Everyday Reminder

Hey… you are… loved

It might be from the person that you kiss over and over again and call yours.. and that would be pretty great. Sometimes things don’t work out like that though, and that’s okay. I mean, who knows? You’re best friend could love you too. Maybe not in the way that the person who kisses you does, but they love you in their own unique way, that you can’t get from anybody else, and that’s good too.

Too many times we fall into “O, Woe is me” and get trapped in a pit of self despair lit with candles screaming “I don’t care” paired with a healthy side of scared, to die alone. But that’s just so ridiculous. From parents, to friends, to ride or dies to the ends, they love you, it’s true. The only people who do convince yourself otherwise don’t really give a shit about you, but THEY do. You fool. The sad part is sometimes you’re the one that doesn’t give a shit about yourself, so get down from that shelf, and get some help, before that self begins to melt, do you remember when you felt?… it was beautiful. Absolutely breathtaking. Like a cosmos filled with purples and greens filling the skies, please all of you close your eyes and imagine it with me.

I’m serious. Close your eyes, please for me. Now just imagine. Imagine your soul floating off in these deep colors, with the hands of those that love you keeping you afloat. This is what life is. You’ll float as long as you drown out the sounds of the people saying you’ll never make it, don’t let their weight get the better of you, cast it down like an anchor to root you in the present, but it’ll never pull you under, because the voices of love are thunderous to help pull you from under, thus floating you to the top of your wondrous soul, making you feel whole, lighting up that fire like coals, oh trust me there are people that love you. How do I know?

Because I do… I love you. And you. And you. And you, and everyone who has ever believed they are not good enough because of the stuff other people have bluffed, trust… me. You will always be enough. You will always be loved.

Puppy Dog

Remember watching dogs following their tails spinning round and round in circles, until you felt like your head would spin off? Spin off and roll down down down the street and all the way back again? They chased and chased and chased, but I wonder if they ever thought about what they would do once they caught it. Would they sit, content with their capture? Would they continue running, unsatisfied with their latest hunt, or would they just stop, frozen in exciting fear of what’s to come next.

When I was three, I knew I was a puppy dog. Following things around in circles until I was blue in the face, keeping pace with the thing I wanted most. To keep myself occupied, my parents often tried to fill my time within my life with things to peak my interest. First it was sports, then I got too good, and it bored me. Next, video games. Those worked, until I realized you could walk away from them. Obviously my family was a video game to my dad, because he walked away from us too, but that’s another story for another poem. Finally, I came across theatre. That’s been working pretty okay as of late. Then, there was you. The breaker of my walls, the believer of my dreams. I could see a million different themes of how our future could play out as soon as your smile hit my gut… I was breathless. From that day I knew I was fucked.

Your hair, dark as midnight, but your soul bright as morning’s light. Your smile, large and genuine. Your eyes, ever changing colors to match the day you were having. Blue to green mattered not, to me, for they made me feel serene, I had never seen someone just as stunning as you… you made me stop comparing everyone to everyone else yes now everyone was compared to you. It was clear no one else could even hold a faint light to your brilliant shine, I could die, from how sweet the idea of you smelled I fell even though you didn’t catch me. I fell… to the ground… and yet, I’m still just as wild about you as I was the day I knew that no one else would be enough.

Yes I knew when I was three, but I never knew what I was following, but now it’s clear. I will follow you to the ends of the earth. After all, I am just a puppy dog, looking for its’ home.

Used

What feels better than being loved. Being wanted. The want of a human makes my heart humid and warm. From the site of a friend, that’ll be your friend to the end, no matter how many times we go around the bend, I’d send all my love to them, and then turn around and do it again. Fights, they happen, but with friends you’d never abandon because you know you’ll love ‘em when all the dust clears, it’s clear that we were never really… that.

You know when you were little and your parents scolded you for just squeezing the toothpaste tube however you wanted so you had to roll it up and make sure you get it all out? Every last little drop? Hm. Sounds familiar. So it’s my fault that you want to go back to the man who made you suicidal. Okay. You made me your personal toothpaste tube, making sure every last part of my contents were used and spit down the drain. But it’s your pain that should be the one not in vain, because hey, love is real right? But only with people that would give your life fright.  It’s a power thing, you like to feel in control. I’d believe that if you didn’t say you were a pushover… although I guess everything you said could just be bullshit to get a hit of power you so long to have.

But the truth is if you asked me to go back into it I’d go through it once more because love is war and it’s better to be half loved than to never be loved once more, I mean sure. Someone will come along, and these feelings right now won’t last forever but this endeavor I was hoping to be my last, the blast that would send me into a cosmos of spinning colors and bright stars. Not black holes and anti-matter screaming it don’t matter because men can’t show they’re tattered and worn because if we do we’re bitches right? Nice.

So fuck you. Fuck your feelings. Fuck everything you know about me and will inevitably spill, pop those pills so you don’t feel, or heal. But guess what? Nothing you ever “love” will be real until you let those walls down. Know that I love you when I say this, but… Go fuck yourself.

Things That Piss Me The Fuck Off

 

(sung)

I’m so sorry mama, you did so much to be so kind. I’m so sorry papa, you did so much to make me mind. I’m so sorry mama, I know that you’re really trying. I’m so sorry papa, you warned me always see the signs.

(spoken)

And as I look through these mirrors that are convex, I see the complex problems that seem to vex this nation blowin’ checks on the newest Jordan’s. I don’t care how fly you look or how high, you’re shook

 by the ability

 to never learn humility. You can sit in your room day after day playing’ 2K but never goin’ to your mom just to say,

“Hey. I love you moms, more than my pay-day”

Ya know. All this shit about mass shootings got me feelin’ asinine about how a dude can be “a family man” or a “loner, with a history of mental illness” just because he has the same sex and skin color of mine? I’m hesitant to throw race into it because it’ll grow like cancer, because it’s maligNANT but heh, I never seen a white man be called a terrorist by the media. Now maybe that’s because I’m looking in all the wrong places, or, rounding all the wrong bases, or throwing stuff into shadowed vases because I just want to shatter all expectations and prove I am not a product of my generational hatred that sprays like mace of the soul, and makes the heart irate. But lately, if I try to integrate these, portions of a different culture into mine I get told I’m destroying it. Now that’s rich, shit. We go through periods of oppression in this great country that we all “happily” reside in, confide in, but should never die in, especially at the hands of the people that should be protecting us

(sung)

 I’m so sorry mama, you did so much to be so kind. I’m so sorry papa, you did so much to make me mind. I’m so sorry mama, I know that you’re really trying. I’m so sorry papa, you warned me always see the signs.

(spoken)

Now I know a white boy comin’ up here playing with words like a toy might be kind a coy way to get across a message but oy vey, if I can’t, then who? You? I’m putting my beliefs onto a platter for vultures to silently judge and if I happen to say one politically incorrect thing my throat will get slit and any type of ego, hit, by you birds of prey not giving’ two shits that I am a human too. We have no empathy. What ever happened to pathos, you say you have it but where’s it at though? Maybe if we ALL focused on livin’ and givin’ just a little bit more we wouldn’t see so many youth dead at our door, so fuck off.